genderwikiaorg-20200215-history
Blog talk:FULL HOMOCIDE NOW/@comment-31003093-20170109202355
Alright, so I've been flipping back and forth between Mascandrogyne and Demiboy. The thing is, I have only wanted top surgery and maybe a more masculine torso, but that's all as far as changing things goes. There are a few times when having a beard is pretty freaking attractive, just like the feeling of running your hands over the stubbly part, kinda sexy tbh. I only kinda like my voice, but there are time I want it to be lower (I could pass as a guy with a high voice probably, at least my school has a bunch of those kind of dudes) Like, I feel like more of a tenor than an alto??? I am almost positive I dont want to be associated with feminine things? I get really conflicted sometimes and I can't tell if it's me not wanting to let go of something I'm so used to for fear of the unknown, or if it's my brain telling me that I'm questioning myself irrationally and that I am really juat a female who's lost her marbles. I'm working on trying to get a more masculine look for myself (haircut, clothing, binding) to test all this, but I think it's for the best? I've never really been the most feminine person. Sure, I like makeup and sometimes (though, its rare) wearing skirts and jewelry, but that stuff never had a "gender" to begin with. I want to wear more masculine stuff, like suits and dress shirts and flannels, but I also want it to suit my current form (minus the boobs), but then I also REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT IT TO DO THAT. Like, I expect myself to have a flat chest, toned arms/shoulders, thicker brows, a quiff haircut, and a cool snake bite piercing for some reason, but when I look in the mirror, its really dissapointing because that is literally not even close to what I look like. (im a small framed person with an unreasonable chin-length mop of hair, thin brows, no piercings) Most of the time, though, I have little to no dysphoria going on (as long as I wear stuff that covers the shape of my boobs) and even then sometimes I don't feel upset or anything. I actually like to cosplay female characters and act like them onstage during theatrical performances! Like, it's really fun for some reason?!?!?! Not in a sexual way, it's just fun as hell; they get better/interesting characters and it's just really fun!? It might just be me doubting the hell out of myself, because that is a talent of mine, and that maybe there's something bigger? Maybe I've got it spot on and now I just need to decide which gender I like better? Is it possibe to be both, idk?!?!?!?! If anyone could help me figure out what the hell is going on, that would be amazing because I had a big existential crisis about it last night and I almost hurt myself which makes me need to know even more before all the shit hits the fan. (this will also be on the demiboy page because i'm desperate for answers)